Phubbing: How Phone Snubbing Hurts Relationships (and How to Stop)
What phubbing (phone snubbing) is, what research says about how phones affect conversations, relationships and parenting, signs you might be phubbing, and practical ways to put the phone down and be more present with the people you love.
You're telling your partner about your day, something that really matters to you, and halfway through you notice they're scrolling. "Mm-hmm," they say, without looking up. Or you're out to dinner with friends and every few minutes, someone checks their phone. Or maybe, if we're honest, you're the one doing it.
There's a word for this: phubbing, a mix of "phone" and "snubbing." It means ignoring the person you're with in favor of your phone. It's so common that many of us barely notice it anymore. But research suggests that those small moments of distraction add up, and they can quietly chip away at our closest relationships.
What is phubbing?
Phubbing is the act of snubbing someone in a social setting by paying attention to your phone instead of them. The word was coined in 2012 as part of a campaign by an Australian dictionary to describe the growing habit.
Phubbing can look like:
- Checking notifications during a conversation
- Scrolling while someone is talking to you
- Keeping your phone on the table during meals
- Texting during family time
- Looking at your phone while on a date
- Half-listening while answering emails
What research says about phubbing
It lowers relationship satisfaction
In a 2016 study, researchers James Roberts and Meredith David at Baylor University looked at "partner phubbing" in romantic relationships. They found that people who felt their partners phubbed them more often reported more conflict over phone use and lower relationship satisfaction. Later studies have found similar links.
It makes conversations feel less meaningful
Research has found that just having a phone visible during a conversation can affect how close and connected people feel. In one well-known study, pairs of strangers who talked with a phone visible on the table reported feeling less closeness and trust than pairs without a phone nearby. Results across studies have been mixed, but many people recognize the effect.
It may make us enjoy time together less
A 2018 study led by Ryan Dwyer at the University of British Columbia had friends and family share meals either with their phones on the table or away. When phones were present, people reported feeling more distracted and enjoying the meal less.
It affects kids, too
Researchers use the term technoference to describe how technology interrupts family interactions. Studies have linked parents' phone use during family time with children feeling less important and, in some studies, with more behavioral problems. Kids notice when parents are distracted.
Why we phub
Phubbing isn't about not caring. Many reasons drive it:
- Habit. Checking our phones has become automatic.
- Notifications. Phones are designed to grab attention.
- Fear of missing out (FOMO).
- Boredom or social discomfort, using the phone as a shield
- Work pressure to always be reachable
- Reciprocity. If someone phubs us, we're more likely to do it back.
Our guide to brain rot and attention span explores how phones shape our attention.
Signs you might be phubbing
- You check your phone during conversations
- Your phone sits on the table during meals
- You feel the urge to check it whenever there's a pause
- People sometimes repeat themselves because you weren't listening
- You scroll while watching TV with family
- You check your phone first thing when you sit down with someone
- Your partner, kids or friends have mentioned it
How phubbing affects the people we love
When we phub someone, the message they receive, even if we don't mean it, is: Something else is more important than you right now. Over time, this can lead to:
- Feeling ignored, unimportant or lonely
- Less meaningful conversations
- More conflict
- Lower trust and closeness
- Kids seeking attention in other ways
Our guide to loneliness and health explains why feeling disconnected matters so much.
How to stop phubbing
1. Create phone-free zones
- The dinner table
- The bedroom
- The car, at least for the driver
- Date nights
2. Create phone-free times
- Meals
- The first and last hour of the day
- Family time after school or work
- Conversations with friends
3. Put your phone out of sight
Out of sight really can mean out of mind. Leave it in your bag, another room or a drawer.
4. Turn off non-essential notifications
Fewer pings mean fewer temptations. Keep only the notifications you truly need.
5. Try the "phone stack" game
When eating out with friends, stack everyone's phones in the middle of the table. The first person to grab theirs pays for dessert or the round.
6. Narrate when you need to use it
If you need to check your phone, say why: "Sorry, I'm just checking if the babysitter texted." It shows respect and keeps the person included.
7. Practice active listening
When someone talks to you, put your phone down, make eye contact and really listen. Our guide to active listening has simple techniques.
8. Talk about it
If phubbing is affecting your relationship, bring it up kindly. Use I-statements: "I feel a bit disconnected when we're on our phones during dinner. Could we try keeping them away while we eat?"
9. Model it for kids
Children learn from what we do. Putting your phone away during family time sets a powerful example.
10. Try a digital detox
Even a short break from your phone, like a phone-free afternoon or weekend, can help reset habits. Our guide to digital detox has practical tips.
Making family time phone-free
Families can agree on simple rules together:
- No phones at the dinner table, for adults and kids
- A family charging station outside bedrooms
- Phone-free outings or game nights
- Weekly screen-free activities, like walks, cooking or board games
Our guide to puzzles and brain health has ideas for games that bring people together.
Phubbing at work
Phubbing happens in meetings too. Checking your phone while a colleague is speaking can come across as disrespectful. Try:
- Keeping phones face down or away during meetings
- Closing laptops when they're not needed
- Giving speakers your full attention
The gift of presence
Being fully present is one of the most meaningful gifts you can give someone. It tells them they matter. In a distracted world, presence stands out. And it's good for you too: deeper conversations and closer relationships are some of the strongest contributors to wellbeing.
A one-week phubbing challenge
If you want to build new habits, try this for a week:
- Day 1: Notice every time you reach for your phone around other people. Just notice.
- Day 2: Keep phones off the table during all meals.
- Day 3: Turn off non-essential notifications.
- Day 4: Charge your phone outside the bedroom tonight.
- Day 5: Have one conversation with no phone in sight at all.
- Day 6: Spend a family or friend outing phone-free, or with phones stacked away.
- Day 7: Reflect: What did you notice? How did people respond? What do you want to keep?
Many people are surprised how much more connected they feel after just a week.
When someone keeps phubbing you
If someone close to you regularly phubs you, it's okay to bring it up. Choose a calm moment, not right after you've felt ignored. Focus on your feelings rather than accusing them. Suggest a shared solution, like a no-phones rule at dinner, rather than asking them to change everything at once. Most people don't realize how often they do it until someone gently points it out.
Frequently asked questions
What does phubbing mean?
Phubbing means snubbing someone by paying attention to your phone instead of them, combining the words "phone" and "snubbing."
Is phubbing bad for relationships?
Research suggests phubbing is linked with lower relationship satisfaction, more conflict and feeling less connected.
How do I stop phubbing?
Create phone-free zones and times, put your phone out of sight, turn off non-essential notifications and talk openly with loved ones about phone habits.
What is technoference?
Technoference describes how technology, like phones, interrupts interactions between people, especially in families and couples.
How do I tell someone they're phubbing me?
Use a calm, kind I-statement, like "I feel disconnected when we're on our phones during dinner. Can we try putting them away?"
Being present is a gift to your relationships. See how your social wellness is doing with our free wellness wheel quiz.
