How to Forgive Someone (and Yourself): The Science and Practice of Forgiveness
What forgiveness is and isn't, what research says about forgiveness and mental and physical health, step-by-step approaches like the REACH model, how to forgive without reconciling, how to practice self-forgiveness and when forgiveness might not be right yet.
Someone hurt you. Maybe it was a friend who betrayed your trust, a parent who let you down, a partner who lied or a coworker who took credit for your work. Maybe it happened years ago, but every time you think about it, your jaw tightens and your stomach sinks, and you replay what they said and what you wish you'd said back.
Or maybe the person you're struggling to forgive is you.
Forgiveness is one of the oldest ideas in spiritual and religious traditions around the world, and it's also been studied by psychologists for decades. It's not easy. It's not quick. And it doesn't mean pretending the hurt didn't happen. But for many people, forgiveness is a path toward peace, freedom and healing. Here's what it really means and how to begin.
What forgiveness is
Forgiveness is a decision to let go of resentment, anger and the desire for revenge toward someone who has hurt you. Psychologists often describe it as replacing negative feelings toward the person with more neutral or even positive ones, like compassion or understanding, over time.
Forgiveness is something you do for yourself. It's about releasing the hold that the hurt has on your life.
What forgiveness is not
Forgiveness is often misunderstood. It doesn't mean:
- Forgetting. You can remember what happened and still forgive.
- Excusing or condoning. What happened can still be wrong.
- Reconciling. You can forgive someone and still choose not to have them in your life.
- Trusting again. Trust must be rebuilt through actions.
- Letting someone off the hook. People can still face consequences.
- Denying your feelings. Your hurt and anger are valid.
- Something you owe anyone. Forgiveness is a choice, not an obligation.
Why forgiveness matters for your wellbeing
Holding onto anger and resentment can take a toll. Research has linked forgiveness with:
- Lower stress
- Less anxiety and depression
- Better relationships
- Higher self-esteem
- Better physical health, with some studies linking forgiveness to lower blood pressure and heart rate
Researchers like Everett Worthington at Virginia Commonwealth University and Fred Luskin, who led the Stanford Forgiveness Project, have developed forgiveness programs that, in studies, helped participants reduce anger, hurt and stress. Many of these findings come from small or moderate-sized studies, but the overall picture suggests forgiveness can benefit health and wellbeing.
Holding a grudge often means mentally reliving the hurt, which can keep stress hormones elevated. Letting go can bring relief.
Why forgiveness is so hard
- The hurt was real, and it deserves to be acknowledged
- It can feel unfair, especially if the other person never apologized
- Anger can feel protective
- Forgiveness might feel like weakness or like losing
- The wound may still be fresh
- The person may still be hurting you
All of this is understandable. Forgiveness is a process, often a long one.
The REACH model of forgiveness
Psychologist Everett Worthington developed the REACH model, a five-step approach to emotional forgiveness that has been studied in many settings:
R: Recall the hurt
Think about what happened honestly, without minimizing it or making the other person a villain. Acknowledge the pain.
E: Empathize
Try to understand the other person's perspective. What might have been going on for them? This doesn't excuse their actions. It's about seeing them as a full, flawed human being.
A: Altruistic gift
Think about a time you were forgiven and how it felt. Consider offering forgiveness as a gift, freely given.
C: Commit
Make a commitment to forgive, perhaps by writing a letter you don't send, telling a trusted friend or writing it in your journal. Our guide to journaling for self-reflection has prompts that can help.
H: Hold on
When the hurt resurfaces, which it often will, remind yourself that you've chosen to forgive. Feeling pain again doesn't mean you haven't forgiven.
Other practical steps toward forgiveness
Acknowledge your feelings
Let yourself feel hurt, angry or sad. Naming your emotions helps. Our guide to naming your feelings explains why.
Talk about it
Share what happened with someone you trust or a therapist.
Write an unsent letter
Write a letter to the person who hurt you, expressing everything you feel. Then, if it feels right, write a second letter from a place of letting go. You don't need to send either.
Reframe the story
Instead of "I'm a victim of what they did," try "I went through something painful, and I'm choosing to heal." This doesn't erase what happened, but it puts you in the author's seat.
Practice loving-kindness
Loving-kindness meditation involves sending wishes of wellbeing to yourself and others, including difficult people. Our guide to loving-kindness meditation walks you through it.
Focus on the present
Notice when you're replaying the past. Gently bring your attention back to the present moment. Our guide to what is mindfulness can help.
Give it time
Forgiveness often happens gradually. Be patient with yourself.
Forgiving without reconciling
You can forgive someone and still keep your distance. This is especially important if the person:
- Is abusive or unsafe
- Hasn't changed their behavior
- Continues to hurt you
Forgiveness is internal. Reconciliation is relational and requires trust and changed behavior from the other person. You get to decide whether reconciliation is healthy for you. Our guide to setting boundaries with family can help when the person is a relative.
Self-forgiveness
Sometimes the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Self-forgiveness doesn't mean letting yourself off the hook. It means:
- Taking responsibility for what you did
- Feeling appropriate remorse, without drowning in shame
- Making amends where possible
- Learning from the experience
- Treating yourself with compassion, the way you would a friend who made a mistake
Our guide to self-compassion explains how to be kind to yourself without avoiding accountability.
A self-forgiveness exercise
Write down:
- What happened
- What you've learned
- What you'd do differently
- What amends you've made or can make
- A kind message to yourself, as if from a loving friend
When forgiveness might not be right yet
Forgiveness shouldn't be rushed or forced. It may not be the right step yet if:
- You're still in danger
- The hurt is very fresh
- You feel pressured by others to forgive
- You're processing trauma
Healing from abuse or trauma often benefits from professional support. A therapist can help you work through pain at your own pace. If you're in an unsafe relationship in the U.S., the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) can help.
Forgiveness and spiritual wellness
Many spiritual and religious traditions place forgiveness at their heart, seeing it as a path to inner peace and connection with others. Whether or not you're religious, forgiveness can be a deeply spiritual practice, a way of releasing what weighs you down and choosing how you want to live. Our guide to what is spiritual wellness explores this broader idea.
Forgiveness in everyday life
Not all forgiveness is about big betrayals. Much of it is small and daily: the partner who forgot to pick up milk, the friend who canceled plans, the driver who cut you off, the coworker who was short with you on a stressful day. Practicing forgiveness in these small moments, by letting go quickly, assuming good intentions and not keeping score, can make relationships lighter and days calmer. It also builds the forgiveness "muscle" for bigger hurts.
A simple practice: at the end of each day, ask yourself whether you're holding onto any small irritations. Take a breath and consciously let one go.
Frequently asked questions
What does it mean to forgive someone?
Forgiveness means choosing to let go of resentment and the desire for revenge toward someone who hurt you, often replacing those feelings with more neutral or compassionate ones over time.
Do I have to reconcile with someone I forgive?
No. Forgiveness is an internal process. You can forgive someone and still choose not to have a relationship with them.
Is forgiveness good for your health?
Research has linked forgiveness with lower stress, less anxiety and depression, better relationships and, in some studies, lower blood pressure.
How do I forgive myself?
Take responsibility, feel appropriate remorse, make amends where possible, learn from the experience and treat yourself with compassion.
What if I can't forgive?
That's okay. Forgiveness takes time and can't be forced. Focus on healing and caring for yourself, and consider talking to a therapist.
Letting go can make room for peace. See how your spiritual wellness is doing with our free wellness wheel quiz.
