The Benefits of Talking to Strangers: What Research Says and How to Start a Conversation

Most of us go out of our way to avoid talking to strangers. Headphones in, eyes on the phone, a polite nod at most. In elevators we stare at the numbers like they're the most fascinating thing in the world. Many of us were literally taught as kids: don't talk to strangers.

But a growing pile of research suggests we're missing out on something really good, and that we're consistently wrong about how those conversations would go. Small chats with people we don't know can lift our mood, make us feel more connected and even make us a little braver. Here's the science and how to start, even if you're shy.

The commuter study: what happens when you talk to strangers

In a famous 2014 study, behavioral scientists Nicholas Epley and Juliana Schroeder at the University of Chicago asked commuters on trains and buses to do one of three things: talk to a stranger near them, keep to themselves, or ride as they normally would.

Before the experiment, people predicted that talking to a stranger would be the least pleasant option. The opposite happened. People who talked to a stranger reported having a more positive commute than those who sat in silence. And the strangers? They seemed happy to talk, too.

People expected others wouldn't want to chat. They were usually wrong.

Why "weak ties" matter for happiness

We tend to think only close relationships count. But psychologists Gillian Sandstrom and Elizabeth Dunn have spent years studying weak ties: the barista, the neighbor, the person at the gym, the mail carrier.

In one study, people who chatted briefly and warmly with a coffee shop cashier, instead of being as efficient as possible, left in a better mood and felt more connected. In another, people reported feeling happier on days when they had more interactions than usual with weak ties.

These little moments add up. They remind us we're part of a community, not just moving through it.

The liking gap: people like you more than you think

After a conversation with someone new, we tend to replay what we said and assume we came across as awkward or boring. Research led by Erica Boothby, published in 2018, found that people consistently underestimate how much their conversation partners liked them and enjoyed the conversation. Researchers named this the liking gap. It showed up in lab conversations, among first-year college roommates and in community workshops, and it often lasted for months.

In other words: the other person probably enjoyed that chat more than you think.

We also underestimate how deep strangers want to go

In a 2021 study, Michael Kardas, Amit Kumar and Nicholas Epley found that people expected deep, meaningful conversations with strangers to be more awkward and less enjoyable than shallow small talk. In reality, the deep conversations felt less awkward than expected and created more connection. People underestimated how much strangers cared about what they had to say.

So don't be afraid to go beyond the weather sometimes.

It gets easier with practice

In a 2022 study, Gillian Sandstrom and colleagues sent participants on a week-long "scavenger hunt" that involved talking to strangers. Before starting, people worried about being rejected and not knowing how to keep conversations going. By the end of the week, they had become more confident, and their worries had faded. Most conversations went better than they predicted.

Why we avoid talking to strangers

• We expect awkwardness and imagine the other person won't be interested
• We underestimate how much others like talking to us (the liking gap)
• We assume we'll have nothing to say. In practice, conversations usually flow more easily than expected
• We fear rejection
• Cultural norms, like silence on public transport
• We're out of practice, especially since phones fill every spare moment

Benefits of talking to strangers

• A better mood, even after brief chats
• Feeling more connected to your community
• Less loneliness (see loneliness and health)
• New perspectives and information
• More social confidence over time
• Occasionally, new friends. Every friend you have was once a stranger. Read how to make friends as an adult.

How to start a conversation with a stranger

You don't need clever openers. The easiest way in is to comment on something you're both experiencing:

• "This line is moving slowly today."
• "Have you tried the soup here? Is it good?"
• "I love your dog. What's her name?"
• "Is this the train for downtown?"
• "That looks like a great book. Is it any good?"
• "Do you know if this place gets busy at lunch?"

Then follow up with an open question if the conversation takes off: "How did you get into running?" "What brings you here today?" If it doesn't take off, no harm done. Smile and move on.

How to keep a conversation going

• Ask follow-up questions about what they just said. People love being listened to. Our guide to active listening has great tips.
• Share a little about yourself in return, so it doesn't feel like an interview.
• Look for common ground, like the neighborhood, a local team or the weather everyone's complaining about.
• Be curious, not clever.
• End warmly. "Lovely chatting, have a great day" leaves a good feeling on both sides.

Small talk with the people you already see

You can start with weak ties you see often:

• Learn your barista's or mail carrier's name and use it
• Ask a coworker from another team how their weekend was
• Say hello to the same neighbor every morning
• Chat with other parents at school pickup
• Thank the bus driver by name

Tips for talking to strangers if you're shy or anxious

• Start tiny. A smile and "good morning" counts.
• Choose easy settings, like a dog park, a hobby class or a queue, where chatting is normal.
• Prepare two or three questions in advance.
• Focus outward. Being curious about the other person takes attention off your own nerves.
• Treat it as an experiment. Predict how it'll go, then compare. Most people find their predictions were too gloomy.

If social anxiety is stopping you from doing things you want to do, therapy, particularly CBT, is very effective.

Talking to strangers while traveling

Some of the best travel memories start with a conversation: the shop owner who recommends a hidden restaurant, the fellow hiker who shares a trail tip, the older couple at the next table who tell you about their first visit forty years ago. Travel naturally lowers our guard, and locals are often delighted when visitors show genuine interest.

Try learning a few words of the local language, asking for recommendations rather than directions you could easily look up, and saying yes to a chat at a café or on a walking tour. Just keep the usual safety habits: stay in public places and trust your instincts.

Everyday kindness: the tiny conversations that count

Not every exchange needs to be a conversation. A genuine thank-you to the person who bags your groceries, a compliment on someone's scarf, holding a door and saying "have a good one" all count as tiny moments of connection. Research on kindness suggests that small, warm acts like these boost the mood of the giver as well as the receiver. On a busy day, they might be the friendliest words someone hears.

Read the room and stay safe

Not everyone wants to chat, and that's fine. Someone with headphones on, focused on work or clearly in a hurry may not be up for it. Keep it light, take a short answer as a signal and move on with a smile. Use your judgment about safety, too, as you would anywhere, and don't share personal details like your address with people you've just met.

Talking to strangers and kids

Teaching children "stranger danger" can make them fearful of everyone. Many child safety experts now suggest teaching kids to recognize "tricky people" and unsafe situations instead, while modeling friendly, safe interactions with shopkeepers, librarians and neighbors when you're with them.

Frequently asked questions about talking to strangers

Is it weird to talk to strangers?

It might feel unusual, but most people welcome a friendly comment, and research shows they usually enjoy it.

What do you talk about with a stranger?

Start with your shared surroundings, then ask open questions. Food, pets, local events, books and travel are easy topics.

What if the other person doesn't want to talk?

That's fine and not a reflection on you. They may be tired, busy or shy. Smile, wish them well and try again with someone else another day.

How do I end a conversation politely?

Smile and say something like, "It was really nice chatting. Enjoy the rest of your day."

Feeling braver already? Take our free wellness wheel quiz and share it with a friend.